For all these years that church made me believe I wasn’t a christian. I just go there having a form of Godliness but denying the power thereof. I’m hardly ever without sin though. I don’t even have proof God actually does exists. I just believe. Yet something keeps pulling me towards being committed to the ministry of Christ. Doing more than just saying amen!
All these years, what has held me back; what has hindered my total commitment to the love of doing Christ’s work has been my doubts. 15 years now and I’m here still trying to decide where my loyalties lie. Wether they be with my doubts or with my beliefs. I’m still asking why I can’t trust God about my doubts. And why I shouldn’t trust him about my beliefs.
A few months back, I met a man. He pastors a congregation not far from where I live. Peter Lewis is a soft spoken man of the word. And I was happy to learn from him. But he busted my bubble. He embarrassed my expectations. He made utterances that triggered my demons. Peter Lewis of Cornerstone Church drew my attention to very obvious facts; such that made me pause in reasoning.
“The bible never disguised the failings of its heroes. Abraham stooped to deceit to ensure his safety. Peter denied. David lusted”. Even the three hebrew boys doubted God in their strongest ever display of trust in him. Daniel 3:18 “But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
Ha! My spirit cried. My soul begged God’s forgiveness. Suddenly it dawned on me. The presence of FAITH is not the absence of doubt. What makes me a christian is the presence of faith. Not the absence of doubt. Yes I doubt. But still I believe. I started to realise what mattered has always been where my loyalty swayed. Taking sides with my doubt isn’t my job as a believer. If I can trust Jesus with my faith. I can trust him about my doubts.
Sometimes, I don’t know which is stronger. My doubts or my beliefs. Each time I had reasons to think about it, I ended up trying not to get confused. I’ve always believed there is a God. I’ve always doubted it too. But are my beliefs not meant to be believed; and my doubts meant to be doubted? Most times we doubt our beliefs. We believe our doubts. Worse still, we fail to realise that God’s place is in the centre of our lives. Not our doubts.
If like me, you have doubts. Don’t give in to it. Keep searching. God will find you just where you are.
Me; I soak this fragile heart I have, in the blood of Jesus. Every of its weakness is transformed into strength. Every trembling of its standing is stabilised into firmness.
I choose to learn and accept that the presence of doubt isn’t the absence of faith. Have doubts if I must. But nurse that faith. What makes me a Christian is the presence of faith; not the absence of doubt. I know that for as long I am on this side of heaven, I will always have both. But my doubts from henceforth seizes to be a justification for my unbelief or not totally surrendering to the will of HE in whom I have entrusted my life.
Join me. Believe!